WHAT APPEARS TO BE

I’m planning a vacation. But, according to the statistics, there’s a decent chance it won’t be a “real” vacation.

In 2005, 33% of those surveyed reported that they “check in on or do work,” while on vacation. (CareerBuilder.com). I can have one foot in the ocean and another on the beach at the same time, but can I have one foot in the ocean and another foot in the office?

What are your secrets to a “real” vacation?

WHAT MIGHT BE

“But so many people rely on me!” the ego screams. “And they need me to make good decisions!”

Pure hubris. It’s time to get real: we’re not as important as we think we are. Proof this is true: Last year I had my computer stolen. I had over 200 emails that “had to be responded to,” among countless documents that had not been saved to the server. Upon finding my laptop gone, I quit eating and developed a twitch in my shoulder. Unable to fulfill my responsibilities, the world would end.

It took one week to learn what Columbus discovered hundreds of years ago:

1. The world did not end
2. No one cared that I was “missing.”

WHAT CAN BE

I help run a multi-million dollar business and work with leadership teams around the world. And not one person called me and said, “Craig, what about that email?”

Lesson learned. So for this summer’s vacation, let’s take a real vacation. Here are some questions to help you on this quest:

• What is the cost if I don’t take this time away – mentally and physically?
• What is my vision for how I want to feel at the end of the vacation?
• What two or three things do I want to do during the vacation, so that when I return I am rested and feel satisfied?
• What is my plan to make sure those two or three things happen?
• Bonus question to ask upon your return: What are the things I love about my job?

What is the difference between what “might be” and what “can be”?  You decide.

WHAT APPEARS TO BE

A leader asks, “How do you help someone who has an over-sized ego?” 

The workplace ego kills results. Left unchecked, it not only limits a team’s potential, but dismantles careers. When someone’s ego reaches the level of “wow, he’s obnoxious!” people begin to avoid such a person. How many leaders, how many teams, excel when people are avoiding one another?

WHAT MIGHT BE

Ironically, most people, when around someone with an ego, only make things worse. They complain about the person. They roll their eyes when the person speaks. They avoid conversations with the ego-plagued person. Such actions increase the likelihood that the person in question has to rev up their ego engine to higher levels. Why? Because they are receiving feedback that they don’t matter, that their ideas are not wanted or valid. Egos don’t handle this sort of feedback well.                  
You can’t kill an ego by starving it. We can only hope to raise awareness so it can be controlled.

WHAT CAN BE

Beyond telling someone directly that their ego is getting the best of them, here are steps to consider for raising awareness in the ego-maniac:

1. Stop trying to fix them. This sends the message “you’re not okay,” and puts their ego into overdrive.
2. Provide sincere, specific and selective feedback when the person’s ego is controlled. Example: “John, thank you for your team approach today. It allowed us generate ideas.”
3. Let them know they’re safe with you. “Mike, you don’t have to tell me how good you are. I trust and know your capabilities.”
4. Ask them questions, such as:
        a. “How do you want to be perceived by others?”
        b. “Are you open to discussing things you are doing that hurt that perception?”
        c. “What things do you think you are doing to hurt that perception?”
        d. “What do you think those actions communicate to others?”
        e. “To improve how you are perceived by others – and therefore your ability to influence others – what do you want to do better or different?”
        f. “How will you know you’re making progress with this issue?”
5. Forgive them. They know not what they do.

What is the difference between what “might be” and what “can be”?  You decide.

Broc Edwards - Guest Author

*FLASH* the mental lightbulb went on! I’ve been married for a third of my life and just realized the source of 95% of the communication challenges my wife and I had experienced over the years. I called to tell her the idea and she laughed because it was so spot on.

I’ve read that people process information based on either an internal or external frame of reference. There are shades of grey between the extremes but a person who references externally makes self-evaluations based on what others think. An externally focused person can appear overly sensitive because they often process and hear even mild suggestions or questions as commands or accusations.

At the other end of the spectrum, those with an internal frame of reference tend to focus on only their own thoughts. Not only do they not define themselves by the opinions of others, but they often regard even the strongest suggestions or commands as mere information or neutral input.

That makes complete sense. I have often been confused when my wife would ask what we should do on the weekend and then react as though my brainstormed possibilities were non-negotiable must-dos. This often left her thinking I was insensitive and me feeling completely blindsided.

On the other hand, there have been countless times when she felt I wasn’t listening. The most classic example was when we were on a driving tour of New England. As we passed through villages she would often say, “This is a cute town.” I would agree and keep on driving. I took these comments as simple statements of fact along the same lines as “this is new pavement” or “that’s a tall tree.” I later discovered what you already know: she wanted me to stop.

For years, she thought I was ignoring very strong requests that were important to her and I was frustrated at having to interpret and guess at what she wanted.

Consider how this might apply to your leadership (I sure did!). How often have you been aggravated or angered when an otherwise bright employee seemed to completely miss your none-too-subtle hints? Ever feel like you are surrounded by overly critical peers and bosses? How often do those around you seem to overreact to your comments and requests?

Simply understanding that I reference internally and my wife and others reference externally allows me to modify my approach and adjust whenever I get a response that is an over- or under-reaction for what I was trying to communicate. This lets me adjust my communication approach in advance depending on the other person’s frame of reference.

Effective communication my problem, not theirs.
I enjoy riding motorcycles, but there is risk involved. It is not my fault if someone turns left in front of me, but that doesn’t make me any less dead. If I want to live to enjoy riding another day I have to take responsibility for anticipating and adjusting to the actions of other drivers. Communication is no different. If someone’s frame of reference doesn’t match mine it is not my fault, but the outcome will still be miscommunication. Sure I could blame them and wait for them to adjust to my style, but that won’t create the results I want. Or I can take ownership for results and adjust and adapt to ensure that my communication style matches theirs.

WHAT APPEARS TO BE

When conducting sessions we ask, “What percentage of workers, while doing their job, understand why their work is important?” (Quick: before reading any further, make your own educated guess.) The answers we are provided always fall between thirty and fifty percent.

Holy cow.

WHAT MIGHT BE

What is the cost when people show up for work, begin their routines, and attempt to execute their plans, while not understanding why what they are doing is important?

Can one deduce that if the numbers above are accurate that there are a lot of bosses (formerly known as leaders) who are assuming people will logically figure out why their job is important? This sort of leadership is unsafe: it leaves results to chance, and generates frustration for all parties.

My dad once said, “Don’t assume anything. You’ll make an a-s-s out of ‘u’ and ‘me.’”

WHAT CAN BE

Create clarity – and stronger results and relationships – right now by adding the following statements to your personal lexicon:

• It is very important to me that ___________ happen, and here’s why: ___________.
• It is necessary that (this) happen because ____________.
• Please complete (this). When you do, it will __________.

If you want to go from ‘good to great,’ add these questions to the above statements:

• Why do you think this is important?
• From your experience, why is (this) necessary?
• What are the greatest results we’ll achieve with the completion of (this)?

It’s not the job of those around us to guess; it’s our job to be clear.

What is the difference between what “might be” and what “can be"?  You decide.

WHAT APPEARS TO BE

If you’re average, there’s one person on your team that causes your teeth to grind and your head to hurt just behind the eyes. You attempt to “like” most people by always putting your best foot forward. But this guy – the one who blows it for the team – is a Doofus. He’s the one person who leaves you questioning the hiring practices of your organization – and on some days inspires you to update your resume.

Something’s got to change.

WHAT MIGHT BE

How does the average person lead in a situation like this? First, they create an “alliance of misery,” meaning they recruit people to dislike the person in question just as much as they do. This is happening in those negative bitch sessions around the water cooler, the rolled eyes in the conference room, and the “see what I mean?” questions on cell phones on the drive home.

Another common strategy to overcome the nuisance of the Doofus: ignore him. Act like he’s not there. Don’t return emails. Try to make him look bad. Walk by him in the parking lot without even a head nod. Only use one-word sentences with him.

(Reader poll: what percentage of people use the above strategies? Comment and tell me if you are “guilty” of the above and similar methods, or “not guilty.”)

When I try the above methods I remind myself that I also used such tactics when I was in seventh grade. I then cringe, realizing my leadership strategies have not evolved.

WHAT CAN BE

Imagine you have a ticket in your pocket. As long as you hold this ticket, you get to live your life on a roll. Now, imagine that you run into Mr. Doofus, the jerk, and because he alters your emotional state, and therefore your behavior, you give him your ticket.

How much sense does it make that you are no longer on a roll? How much sense does it make that you let him have that sort of control over you?

Leadership will never be accomplished if we don’t lead ourselves first. We all have three options: 1) we can continue to see the person as a Doofus (no change); 2) we can take control back and walk away thinking “the jerk has nothing on me” (a mere illusion and guarantee of bad things to come); or 3) we can control ourselves and move the relationship (and results) forward.

Here are four steps to achieve the third option:

1. Accept him. He is who he is and does what he does. As of yet, no one made us God.
2. When in his presence ask yourself, “Am I living out of my values in this moment?”
3. Take responsibility. He is not managing your emotions, you are. You are the person thinking and feeling for yourself.
4. Rise above. Take a moment to focus on the characteristics of this person that you do admire, appreciate or like.

Step #4 above is not easy, but then again, neither is leadership. If you want to stand out, you can’t be average.

What is the difference between what “might be” and what “can be”?  You decide.

WHAT APPEARS TO BE

A new study by Opinion Research USA shows that 27 percent of workers say “disorganized, rambling meetings” are their top frustration. An additional 17 percent say they are annoyed by peers who interrupt others at meetings. (Schweitzer, Inc.com, May 2007)

How does the data above and compare to your own experience? Hundreds of books proclaim to help turn dysfunctional meetings into productive gatherings; no doubt, there are as many seminars that espouse the same.

Yet, everywhere we begin a Pathways to Leadership session, the topic of “meetings” evokes pain, anger – and in some cases forfeiture…as if “that’s just the way business is done.” Ouch.

Something’s got to change. And it begins with our own individual leadership.

WHAT MIGHT BE

What is the knee jerk reaction to creating more effective, productive meetings? Most people turn to planning – the right topic, the correct participants, and a length that is adequate and not extensive. No doubt about it: achieving these points assists in delivering enhanced results in meetings.

Still, it is apparent that plenty of people choose an appropriate topic for their meetings, and they get the right people in the room, and they manage the time, only to find that their meetings remain mired in mediocrity. (What is mediocrity? Answer: poor results as people interrupt each other, spend time on PDA’s and cell phones, host side conversations, and take the dialogue on whimsical tangents.)

WHAT CAN BE

You can change that in the next meeting you’re in. Consider the possibility that leading an effective meeting – one where people WANT to attend and results are stellar – is easier than most people imagine it to be.

It comes down to one thing: focus. Achieving this is the most important job in every meeting. When you guide focus, you influence attitude and ideas. When you influence those two things, you create behaviors and results. It’s a powerful formula…and it all comes down to guiding focus.

How effective are you right now at doing this? The vast majority of people try to achieve this by telling people what to think, do or say. Their egos get in the way, and the sabotage their own best efforts.

You can do it better. And here’s how: ask questions. Not just any questions, but Forward Focus Questions that stimulate thinking, solutions, productivity; questions that move people and relationships forward; questions that deliver results.

Here’s a four-step guide to participating in exceptional meetings. (Note: you don’t have to run a meeting to use this strategy.)

1. Check your ego. Do you want to say something because it will add value or because you simply want to hear yourself say it?
2. Ask Forward Focus Questions. These are open-ended and move people, relationships, and results forward.
3. Check your talking/listening ratio. People often think their ideas are more important than they really are. Listening is the tool that quite often delivers the hidden solution.
4. Ask questions that allow others to demonstrate their strengths and wisdom. You’re on the same team – poor leaders use questions to incriminate and corner others, rather than using questions as a powerful tool to deliver better results.

Questions have proven effective at creating focus in every conversation and meeting you have.

What is the difference between what “might be” and what “can be"?  You decide.

WHAT APPEARS TO BE

Gallup reported a few years ago the number one reason why people take a job is due to pay, benefits and the satisfaction they will receive from doing the job. The number one reason why people leave a job? Answer: poor quality in the relationships they have with others – primarily their boss.

Here’s more research reflecting how important the relationship is between an employee and their boss. Buckingham & Coffman, (1999) revealed “In organizations of all types, public and private, large and small, for-profit and nonprofit, relationships – particularly with leaders – are one of the single greatest predictors of employee performance, satisfaction, and turnover. (Reeves, The Learning Leader, 2006.)

Whether you have direct reports or not, if you want to become an effective leader, the writing is on the wall: you must become masterful at developing relationships.

WHAT MIGHT BE

In an effort to deliver results, some leaders use a “Turn-over Accelerator Tool.” They drive top performers from the organization like a chef waves-away flies from a meat-covered grill at a picnic. Instead of building relationships, these bosses destroy them.

A friend, who is a member of the President’s Club for salespeople within her organization, related this story. “At our last convention the President stood before us and basically told us how bad we were doing, and then told us the changes he was implementing. He said, ‘If you don’t like it, then maybe you’d better find another company.’

“So I’m sitting there thinking, ‘Well, I don’t like it, so maybe he’s talking to me.’” (And she’s one of the best this company has at delivering sales which impact the bottom line!) “I literally began to think, ‘Maybe this company isn’t for me.’”

She concluded, “Our President means well. He’s got great vision. He’s brilliant and bright. But his leadership skills suck.”

WHAT CAN BE

What sort of relationships do you have with people around you? (Challenge: include your loved ones as you calculate your answer.) Do you have a “do this – or else” mentality? Or do you take steps to develop a relationship that allows all parties to thrive?

Leadership doesn’t have to be difficult, because relationships don’t have to be difficult. Here’s one proven way to build relationships: honor people. Don’t just respect them, go beyond and honor them.  Honor who they are. Honor who they want be.

Instead of trying to fix people (the most common approach), honor where someone is right now; then honor their ideas; and to ensure partnership (the mark of a strong relationship), honor their motivations. Participants in our Pathways to Leadershipâ program will recognize these three steps as the 3 Conditions that Support Change. This proven tool delivers greater results in all arenas of life – primarily because it builds relationships.

As the successful Felix Guillen, a proven and successful leader within the automotive industry says, “If you want to build accountability (results), build relationships.”

Where are relationships on your priority list? How effectively are you honoring the people around you? Answer these questions and you’ve just predicted your success as a leader.

What is the difference between what “might be” and what “can be"?  You decide.

WHAT APPEARS TO BE

A recent study revealed that over 60 percent of employees receive no feedback for the job they are doing.  Hmmm.  Do you suppose this number is related to the fact that 72% of the workforce is either disengaged or actively disengaged? 

How often are you acknowledged by your supervisor?  And the more important question: how often do you provide an acknowledgment to your supervisor and those around you?

WHAT MIGHT BE

“I don’t think it is necessary to compliment someone when they do a good job.  I hired them to do a good job,” states a recent participant in a training session.  “Why give them a compliment for doing what we’re paying them to do?”

To some this may seem logical.  To many it’s disturbing.  Is it possible that a person who is unable to acknowledge others cannot do so because he or she is not comfortable with him or herself?  Is the person who dwells in this “might be” world someone who is concerned that by building the esteem of another that they diminish their own esteem, stature, or ‘position of power’?  Ironically, if this is the case, is it possible these people actually lose their power – literally remain handicapped – in their efforts to create a more functional workforce, because they are unwilling or unable to acknowledge others? 

“I don’t have time to acknowledge others,” one might say.  If this is true, the argument can be made that such a person doesn’t have time to be critical of others as well.  This argument holds as much water as a table fork. 

Perhaps people don’t acknowledge others because they are concerned that they will build the egos of others to a degree where the ego becomes an intrusion on progress.  Let’s consider this argument for a moment.  This means that in the effort to create an ego-free work place, this person chooses to crush confidence and self-reliance.  (Note the disengagement research above.)  These crusaders against egos must come off their horse then and no longer complain about people who are not accountable, confident and self-starting – for the crusader against egos has trained them to be so.

There’s a difference between arrogance and confidence.  And we decide which we build in others by the type of feedback we give others.

WHAT CAN BE

A participant shared on the first day of training, “I’ve been here eleven years and never once has my boss acknowledged me.”  Two days later this same person slowly raised their hand and shared, “I’ve been here eleven years and never once have I acknowledged my boss.”

This is a person who made the shift in understanding that there is always a “return on investment” in leadership.  Everyone knows that when you smile at someone on the street the other person almost always smiles back.  The same law guides our language as well.  When we acknowledge others, we almost always get acknowledged in return.  Leadership is LEADership – it doesn’t wait from someone else to take an action first.

There is a difference between a compliment and an acknowledgement.  The people that live in the ‘what might be’ world confuse the two.  According to Webster, a compliment is “an admiring remark.”  An acknowledgment is “a recognition of act or achievement.”

Those who live in the “can be” world see what’s possible by giving acknowledgments that are sincere, specific, and selective.  These are people who literally alter the future course of actions in others by clarifying focus through acknowledgments.  These are people who – not in a manipulative way, but in a building/developing manner – see the greatness in others.  Then, by acknowledging them, they bring that greatness out to a degree that the rest of the world can see it.  These are people who lead.

What is the difference between what “might be” and what “can be"?  You decide.