ELEPHANT ALERT!

A reader shares: in a meeting a colleague cracked jokes regarding a stalled project they were working on. Another teammate then leaned forward and said, “It’s clear you’re anxious about this. I say we focus on resolving this rather than laughing about it.”

The comedian’s message was decoded: I’m nervous about being able to resolve this issue.

Here’s the elephant in the office: Too many offices tolerate ‘coded’ behaviors that communicate harmful messages. Because people aren’t willing or can’t directly communicate what’s important to them and why, they use codes – and create an unnecessary maze that must be navigated in the pursuit of progress.

STOMP THE ELEPHANT

Everyone is culpable of this. If your awareness and personal leadership isn’t strong, codes become common:

• Claiming “I already know that”…communicates other people’s ideas aren’t valid.
• Replying “yes, but”…says “I disagree with you.”
• When you say “whatever!”…you’re crying “I don’t have the skill to move this forward.”
• Fits of anger…reveal “I’m hurting and I don’t have the emotional intelligence to handle this in a healthier way.”
• A refusal to apologize…states “I have to prove that I’m right and you’re wrong.”
• When you lament another’s ignorance…you’re telling others “I’m insecure with my level of knowledge.”
• When receiving feedback and you defend yourself…you’re confessing you’re not capable and are arguing for your limitations.

Nothing above is new – in terms of understanding. What is new is doing something about it. Take this challenge: print this list and have a “stomp the elephant” conversation with your team – with the focus on how you can communicate what you want and why, so you can move forward faster.

Today, create a code-free office.

Where will you lead – where will you stomp elephants – today?

WHAT APPEARS TO BE

How often do you find yourself angry? In those moments when you are angry, how quickly are you able to let the anger go and move forward?

Today, observe how many people spend time being angry. Curiously, these people dismantle their ability to get anything done – and ruin their chances of enjoying the only day they’re guaranteed.

WHAT MIGHT BE

When angry, I often try this strategy: I’m going to stay angry with the person until they change. No surprise, I have a success rate of 0%. And the not-so-funny thing about this is: I’m the only one whose day is ruined.

Anger is not a leadership tool. Rather, it is blazing neon sign telling the world that we are momentarily disabled. And if we’re emotionally illiterate – and we stay angry – we begin the work of disabling others.

WHAT CAN BE

Enlightened leaders know that anger is a mask for another emotion. Those around us who are emotionally literate, when they feel anger, immediately decode their anger. They ask themselves, “What am I really feeling?” and “What is really bothering me?”

Of course, once they have the answers to these questions, they can do something about it. More often than not anger means we’re afraid of something…afraid we’re not going to finish the project on time, afraid we won’t get the recognition we want, afraid someone won’t behave the way we expect them to.

Perhaps the reason we think we’re angry is because then we’re not responsible. Any other emotion means we have to change first.

Think you’re angry? Think again.

What is the difference between what “might be” and what “can be”?  You decide.